I received this story from a friend this morning. While I do not have a daughter named Rachel and no one has ever given me a week at a gym for my birthday, and I am not 60 years old yet, I identify with the story and laughed so hard that I cried and all of my make up is gone.

Dear Diary,

For my sixtieth birthday this year, my daughter Rachel (the
dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for
me. Although I am still in great shape since being a high school
football cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

I called the club and made my reservations with a personal
trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics
instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My daughter
seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me
to keep a diary to chart my progress.

MONDAY :

Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found
it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda
waiting for me. She is something of a Greek goddess - with blond hair,
dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!! Belinda gave me a
tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in
which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very
inspiring! Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut
was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around.
This is going to be a FANTASTIC week-!!

TUESDAY :

I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the
door. Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the
air -- then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it
all worthwhile. I feel GREAT-!! It's a whole new life for me.

WEDNESDAY :

The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on
the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have
a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to
steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.

Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams
bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for early
in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is
VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put
me on the stair 'monster'. Why would anyone invent a machine to
simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it
would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other words
too.

THURSDAY :

Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed
as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't
help being a half an hour late, it took me that long to tie my shoes.
Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I
ran and hid in the restroom. She sent another skinny instructor to find
me. Then, as punishment, she put me on the rowing machine -- which I
sank.

FRIDAY :

I hate that Belinda more than any human being has ever hated
any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,
anemic, anorexic little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I
could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it.

Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any
triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the
barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill
flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why
couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir
director?

SATURDAY:

Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,
shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her
made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the
strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight
hours of the Weather Channel.

SUNDAY :

I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can
go and give thanks that this week is over. I will also pray that next year
my daughter Rachel , will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a
root canal or a hysterectomy.